You want an Egg McMuffin? Fuck you. Or: Why all-day breakfast menus bring out the worst in me

mcd_hash_mcmuffin1. You want an Egg McMuffin after one PM? Fuck you.Consider the type of people who want to eat Egg McMuffins in the afternoon. Would you trust them with your small children? Would you trust them with any major financial decisions? The answer is NO, because these people traditionally woke up just an hour ago. They are probably still fucked up from yesterday. They smell like whisky sweat and the kind of regret that only happens in your mid to late twenties. No one spends at least four hours at their reasonable and well-paying adult job before thinking, “Gosh, I’d love an Egg McMuffin right now.” They are too busy thinking about salads and responsibility. That fast food breakfast shit is for the degenerates, the drunks, the hungovers, the baristas and bartenders who make too little to put up with this shit. No reasonable accountant or otherwise accountable person thinks to themselves, “Gosh, you know what I would like? Breakfast for lunch.” I’m sorry. It’s just unacceptable. Which leads me to…

2. Fuck you for thinking, “Wait! I’d love an Egg McMuffin for lunch, and I thought that the whole time I read the last paragraph.” It won’t work out for you, padre, and here’s why. You have REAL JOB PRIVILEGE. What does that mean? You haven’t sold your soul so completely that you deserve an Egg McMuffin. Let’s be honest: you haven’t ever been willing to wake up before 7 AM  even on the good days. Overtime? You insist on compensation. Healthcare has been real for you at least once in the past six months. (That means someone else mostly paid for your weird lumps.) You probably even work for a young and hip start-up that pays for your cell phone and believes in “parental leave”. (How liberated!) When these factors are combined, they mostly mean that the least you manage is combing your hair every other day, rushing to work, and probably eating the gross instant oatmeal you keep in your office drawer. You routinely tumble into your practical car and drive to your practical job and you never have time to sit in the drive-thru line for a goddamn Egg McMuffin. So you’re not allowed to hop back into your great-mileage Suburu at lunchtime and get a fucking breakfast sandwich. That’s just not how this works, you rich motherfucker. Get Lupe to cook you some real fucking breakfast.

3. Fuck your mother. No, seriously, that’s the only way you ever thought it was acceptable to EXPECT this sandwich at lunch time. What are you, some kind of privileged ninny? Did you grow up with a mother that cooked you omelettes at all times of the day and night? Are you a little fucking prince that can’t get over it? Do you hate hamburgers? Listen, sissy, Egg McMuffins all day is like your mother breastfeeding you for too long: once you hit a certain age, it is a treat that you earn. Now you are 31. Do you want to have that nipple in your mouth forever? Your entitled bullshit maybe led to Egg McMuffins 24/7, but we all know you are still your mother’s biggest disappointment and possibly her biggest regret. Also we had martinis and she hates you. How’s that sausage now?

4. Fuck your lunch plans. You just did. What happened to the ideologically sound “Burgers, fries, and a coke” that we all used to consume with such patriotic passion? When the fuck did eggs become a thing worth eating? Who the fuck eats eggs besides men in movies who spend the night with a slutty chick only to be surprised in the AM? Don’t get me wrong; eggs are delicious. But fuck you trying to cheat yourself out of meals. You get breakfast (eggs), and then you get lunch (no  eggs.) Deal with it, bitch.

5. Fuck you for ruining it for me. Egg McMuffins used to be the only thing that ruled about airports. Now I have to look forward to being groped in the security line, hopefully by someone remotely attractive.  #thanksobama



About Katherine Pivoda

I am probably the most awesome person you have never met. View all posts by Katherine Pivoda

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