This is How I Own You

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I know something is broken and i’m trying to fix it/trying to repair it/anyway I can
-Coldplay

When a room full of poets drop their guard
and start sharing their truth- the marrow that
poisons the blood, the brain that betrays,
the shakes, the nameless fear that lives in the
back of the throat- you drop your pretenses
and get real.
Get real by letting go. By saying it out loud–
I am not a burden. I am a cluster of neurons
that like to tripwire, I have no say in this.
That does not change the truth– I am a maker
of star magic. I am science defied. I am working
overtime to compensate for the dead space
in this skull, I make this shit look seamless.
I make hospital gowns look runway ready,
make leg spasms look like a choreographed dance,
the music all my own.
Call this coming clean. Call it my start over,
my claiming. These scars, how I mapped my
way back home. This drawer of medication bottles,
watch me fantasy them into hope. Into holding on.
See this empty bank account. This cardboard box of debt.
Call it a fair trade. These days since my last
seizure, call them progress. These days I spend
laughing, a celebration. These words I can still
pull out of this carved open brain, a miracle.
The time my roommate stole sixty seven pills,
the last straw.
Own all of it. The fear and the promise.
The triggers. The always sunglasses.
The surgeries, the white cane, the stares.
The psychologists, the antidepressants and
the way I kicked them on my own. The eight
hundred audience members, all hanging on
my words, all connected by the same disease.
Own this life and become a mirror. Watch as
one by one, people begin to give their stories.
Then, together, celebrate surviving.

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About SaraEve

SaraEve is a performance poet and epilepsy advocate from northeast New Jersey. A 2015 Best of the Net nominee, she has performed for both local and national events, including the 2013 Women of the World Poetry Slam, the Epilepsy Foundation of Greater Los Angeles 2015 Care and Cure Benefit to End Epilepsy in Children and as a reader for Great Weather for MEDIA at the 2016 NYC Poetry Festival on Governors Island. You might have met her volunteering at various national poetry slams. A Contributing Editor for Words Dance Magazine and Book Reviewer at Swimming with Elephants Publishing, her work can be found or is forthcoming in GERM Magazine, Yellow Chair Review, Drunk in a Midnight Choir and the University of Hell Press anthology We Can Make Your Life Better: A Guidebook to Modern Living, among others. She is the author of You Must Be This Tall to Ride (Swimming with Elephants Press, 2016). She believes in the power of foxes and self-publishing. Learn more: http://saraeve41.wix.com/saraevepoet She loves Instagram: SaraEve41 View all posts by SaraEve

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