For Cubs Fans Who Encourage Me to Root for The Cubs in the Playoffs

 

Hey Guys!calvin-disc-1-cubs_01

My my my, you have been working over time trying to convince me to root for your Cubbies. It’s cool that you’re excited. The Cubs haven’t given you much to be excited about and I get it. You just don’t know how to handle all of this pure joy. While I appreciate the invite allow me to explain why I am turning down your offer.

Few things first: I am a White Sox fan. I also recognize that the Cubs are a better team than the White Sox both on and off the field. Theo Epstein is a genius that should quit baseball and solve world hunger through the use of sabermetrics. I don’t know how that would work but I’m sure he could do it. The Cubs roster is filled with young, talented, and gritty players that are fun to watch. Joe Maddon is like your neighbor’s cool uncle that comes through town in his hippy van every summer with a different girlfriend and let’s you smoke weed with him while he talks about how Burning Man used to awesome before it went commercial. They are an enviable team set up for long-term success.

That being said, Fuck The Cubs. Why? Glad you asked.

1) I Don’t Care About Your Dead Grandpa.

I’ve heard, “C’mon Cubbies! Let’s do it for Grandpa! I know he’s watching from heaven” or a variation of that quote on Facebook, on sports radio, in person, etc a thousand times. The Cubs are not winning it all for your grandpa. Javier Baez gives no shits about your grandpa. Anthony Rizzo gives no shits about your grandpa. Cubs fans act as if the Cubs winning the World Series will unleash a zombie horde of their dead relatives to help them celebrate the title. I understand the connection between family and sports. I have a lot of great memories of going to games with my grandparents. I also have a lot of great memories of my grandparents that don’t involve sports at all. If the only connection you had with your grandpa was baseball, he was probably a shitty grandpa and he deserves nothing.

2) Fuck Bill Murray

Ahhhhh the playoffs, the time of year when actors pretend to be from Chicago when they haven’t lived here in decades. Doesn’t Wes Anderson have a bit role in a whimsical, dark comedy for Bill to play? Bill Murray is to baseball what Jim Belushi is to hockey. Fuck John Cusack and his Straight To OnDemand ass. Fuck Eddie Vedder while we’re at it. And speaking of Eddie Vedder…

3) Enough With the Songs Already!

You know the douchebag that showed up to college parties with an acoustic guitar? Well he graduated, became an accountant, built himself a home studio, hung up a dream catcher for inspiration, and is writing a song about the Cubs. Every year that guy learns how to make a video in iMovie and every year the WGN news reports on it. It’s always the loneliest looking motherfucker you’ve ever seen wearing a Cubs jersey with his own name on the back. And then Eddie Vedder comes along with some half baked sea-chantey and steals that poor bastard’s glory.

That brings us to the soundtrack to the final circle of Hell, “Go Cubs Go”. Have you ever wanted to listen to a really shitty Steve Winwood song? Well this shit show is right up your alley. At least the White Sox had the decency to use an already world renowned white people wedding banger, “Don’t Stop Believing” as their soundtrack to victory. Did we care that Journey is from San Francisco? No because Journey’s music transcends all geographic borders. Did we care that they mention South Detroit in the song? No because we’re not even sure if that’s a real place. It might not be original but I’d rather have a proven classic than an original piece of shit.

4) Wrigleyville Would Burn to the Ground

Actually, that might be kinda rad. Go for it.

5) Your Uniforms Suck

You can talk any kind of shit about the White Sox. From the stadium name to the ownership and I couldn’t say you were wrong. When it comes to the uniforms, you’re fucking done. Game over. If you’re wearing an outfit that is both appropriate for a baseball game and for marching in a 4th of July parade, you need to burn that joint. The red, white, and blue uniforms really bring out the sunburn in your stupid face except for that part around your eyes because you wore your super cool Oakleys shades.

Also, Dr. Dre wore a Sox hat in the “Nothing But A G Thang” video. Not even Lil Bow Wow would be caught wearing a Cubs hat.

I can’t do it guys. I’m not going to jump on a bandwagon that I would prefer to ghost ride into the Chicago River. I’m not going to pretend that I believe in curses or that Ron Santo deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. The most you’ll get out of me is not telling the lady at my son’s day care to burn in Hell when she tells him, “Make sure to cheer for the Cubbies this weekend.” Good luck, though. You still trash.

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About Tim Stafford

Tim Stafford is a poet and storyteller from Chicago. He is the editor of the Learn Then Burn anthology series on Write Bloody Publishing. His work has appeared on HBO Def Poetry Jam and featured in the PBS documentary "The Day Carl Sandburg Died". He performs regularly at colleges and festivals throughout the U.S. and Europe including the ABC Brecht Festival in Augsburg, Germany, the 2010 Zurich Poetry Slam Invitational, the 2011 German National Poetry Slam, the 2013 Kiel Festival in Kiel, Germany, and the 2014 Woerdz Festival in Lucern, Switzerland. View all posts by Tim Stafford

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