AS A GAY MAN IT IS GOOD TO HAVE GOALS Goal: Get the Macklemore haircut that everybody in fucking San Francisco fucking has Lose 150 pounds Keep beard Get tats Then only hang out quietly and mysteriously with other gay tatted-skinny-hipsterbeards stare off into space like baristas trying too hard to pretend not to care. Goal: Lose 150 pounds. Get a spiky gay haircut with frosted tips Wear nothing but shorts and polo shirts. Call all my male friends, bro Ignore all women. Only talk to men if we are talking about how to make money Buy a giant house after displacing poor people. Never use it Kick brown children off of public soccer fields Slut shame men who are in open relationships Make fun of the word polyamory, have anonymous sex at the gym Go to Burning man My favorite movies will be Oceans 11 and Wolf of Wall Street Talk about how much I like HBOs Looking, people should really give it another chance Post pictures of myself at pool parties surrounded by gay men that look like me staring off into space like a poodle that has eaten too much dog food. Continue reading
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