NOBODY DIES ALONE – Ask Heather A #10 – The Hogwarts Sexual Predator Registry

Dear Heather A,

My boss put the above valentine on my desk. He didn’t sign it or anything, but I know it was from him.

Last Friday night, he mentioned his wife would be out of town and then he called me, drunk, at 11:30 PM, saying he was at a bar down the street from my house. He wanted me to meet him there.

All of this is really gross to me. I just want to go to work without having this creep perv on me. What should I do?

Kelly

Seattle, Wa.

—-

Dear Kelly,

It’s like Christmas in February. Let me read your letter again, just to make sure that I am not having a waking fantasy.

Yep, my eyes don’t deceive me! Your boss is a sexual predator! Hallelujah! How’s it feel to be the luckiest lady in the whole wide world, Kelly? Do you know how many women would KILL be in your shoes? And best news ever:  This predator isn’t the creepy mailroom guy, with the halitosis/bluetooth connected to his face.  The predator is your very own BOSS! That’s what we call A-League. Congratulations, because you’ve arrived!!

NOBODY DIES ALONE – Ask Heather A #9 – Valentine’s Day in the Sahara

Heather A,

I’m 42 years old, recently went through a messy divorce about two years ago. I just started dating again. I’ve been seeing this woman for a couple months now. She’s a nice lady, has her shit together, no kids, no baggage.  

Valentine’s day is a shit holiday. I’ve always hated it. It’s a manufactured capitalist scam, manipulating people’s sentiments in order to get them to spend money. It sickens me to my core. My ex-wife and I would fight about it every year. It holds a lot of negative emotional energy for me. Should I just be straight forward about this? Or should I avoid V-day altogether, say nothing, and play dumb?

No name Given

Des Moines, Iowa

 

Dear Playing it Dumb in Des Moines,

I don’t want to imagine what it would be like to date you. **BUT** because I am a DATING ADVICE TRIPPLE GURU MENSA PROFESSIONAL and it is my job to be the fucking Patron Saint of Fucktard Idiot Daters Who Have Zero Idea About what to do when it comes to Proper Courtship, I’m going to try and put myself in this poor woman’s place …

It’s Wednesday night. Date Night, 6:30 PM.  We are at Red Robin, sitting across from one another. I’m wearing a push-up bra and a v-neck from The Gap. Maybe I’ve flat ironed my hair for the occasion. There’s a basket of Chicken Wings between us and tiny plastic cup of ranch dressing.  You look at me, wing in hand, half chewing, and say something like:  “Valentine’s day is a shit holiday.” STRIKE ONE. Strike one, because first of all, wait until you’re finished chewing before you talk, you goddamned ape. Second of all, GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK ALREADY.

NOBODY DIES ALONE – Ask Heather A #8 – Cubic Zirconium Mall Ho

yo Heather A

So me and this girl have been dating for about six months  and I guess you could say its serious. I don’t want to be saying it’ s totally %100 exclusive, but she’s definitly my main deal. Like I love her. Icould see putting a ring a ring on her finger someday down the road like when are a bit older. But right now its like crazy. I don’t know what she expects, but like I can’t do anything on my own. If i go out with my friends, shes texting me constantly and the other night I went to her house after hanging out and she was like I smell alcohol on your breath and I was like yeah, we were drinking what did you expect!!! So then all weekend she didn’t call me and at first I was like phew I can stay home and play games and whatever, but then I see shes posting on facbook like these hints that she thinks some dude at the mall is cute and so i call her up and she flat out denies it!!! I don’t know what do to. Like I love her but I dont know if I can make it any longer. If she cheats on me Im gonna go bang the first ho i can find and post it on he facebook page!!!

Danny

Spokane, WA

 

Danny,I get it. You love this girl, but she doesn’t give you the freedom that you want. So you tested the waters –  you went out, drank a few 40s with your boys, and played some Grand Theft Auto  …   And now she’s flirting with the dude who works at Shoe Stop. She’s rattled you, Danny. I mean, look at yourself. JUST LOOK. You’re so upset that you decided to sit down and write me this poignant letter, asking for advice.  What would your boys say about that, Danny? Hmmmm?

#10 – Elaine’s Wedding – What Elaine Doesn’t Remember But Haley Does PART 1

 
This week, Drunk in a Midnight Choir celebrates our One Year Anniversary! Since we launched on February 6, 2014, we’ve had the great privilege of publishing a whole lot of amazing work, from a wide array of talented contributors. All week, we’ll be catching you up on some highlights from the last year. Here we present to you the top ten most-read posts of the year, counting down from ten.

* * * * *
In 2007, I had a blog with my friend, Edie. The blog featured stories about our friendship. Most of the entries were slightly fictionalized, but the facts are: Edie got married and had a baby. I didn’t. The blog was a way for us to creatively vent about our lives, friendship, relationships, etc. It was featured on Jezebel.

The sad news: Eventually our friendship ended. So did the blog.

The good news: A few years ago, Elaine and I repaired our friendship and a lot changed. At least for me: I sobered up, chilled out, and stopped running my life into the ground.

The following is a three part series of blog entries about Edies’s wedding, from my Haley’s perspective. We use fictional names. Edie is Elaine. I (Heather) am Haley. Our blog also had a glossary. Some useful terms are:

Jake n.
Used to describe the type of guy Haley continues to date despite the fact that time and again, the relationship leads to nothing. Jake finds “working” to be a hassle and would much rather spend his time rehearsing with his punk band “Death and the Destruction Junkies,” which, despite its kick-ass name, has not landed a single paying gig. (Things are looking good for a show at the Des Moines VFW rec center sometime in the next 6 months.) Because Jake doesn’t like to work, he lives in a disgusting house with eight other Jakes. Jake thinks that futon he bought at Goodwill makes the perfect bed. Jake only drinks Pabst Blue Ribbon and considers himself a true feminist. To prove the point, he empowers the woman he’s dating to pay for dinner. Jake often takes a first date to a taco cart and conveniently “forgets” his wallet.

Jake is a great lay.

Usage:
“That guy’s soooo hot, but he’s a total Jake.”

NOBODY DIES ALONE – Ask Heather A #7 – Assplay Revolution

Hi Heather! 

I read your column all the time. I think you are the mist hilarious advice columnist ever! You make my friends and I laugh all the time. I’m a freshman at Oregon State. Here’s my question. I was talking to this hot guy in the backroom of this party, and ok, we were making out pretty hard. And we start to get pretty hot and heavy. And he whispers something in my ear. I thought he said something about a ‘blow job’ and I was like um ok maybe, we just met you know? But he keeps insisiting and this guy is super hot and I was pretty drunk so finally I’m like ok.  So he unbuttons his pants and turns around away from me. Like showing me his butt! I was like uhhhhh, I didn’t know what to do! So I ask him and he tells me what he wants me to do, and I’m like, that’s not what I had in mind! And he starts to get mad so I was like sorry and left.

 

My friends laughed when I told them and said he wanted something called a ‘rim job’! I thought they were messing with me so I looked it up and it’s a thing! I guess everyone knows this but me! They were like everyone does it, you should have done it, now he’s going to talk about you to all the guys and I’m going to be some kind of laughingstock. I think they are messing with me, but what if they aren’t!

 

Does everyone really do that? Am I the only one who doesn’t? How come I’ve never heard of it? I’m not a prude, but that just sounds totally gross.

 

Just Not Into That

Corvallis, OR

 
 
Dear JNIT,I know it’s hard to believe, but I wasn’t always the Tripple MENSA dating advice Genius Professional that stands before you today. I was once like you – completely ignorant to the pleasures of the world.Let’s travel back to that time, November 29^th 2001, 2:30 AM.   I had just graduated from college – still unsure of my place in the world, still trying to find my romantic footing. This was long before I dedicated my life to writing dating advice/saving humanity, long before I had the Great Epiphany and discovered The Best Thing Ever (Some people use the term “rim job.” Not me. It doesn’t do it justice. Also it’s tacky, like the word Horny. Ugh. Terrible. Never EVER use that word.) 

NOBODY DIES ALONE – Ask Heather A # 6: True Love Quiz

 

 

H-

What is the definition of true love?

B

Grand Rapids, MI

 

Dear B,

That is a magical question. Some idiots say that love is intangible That it can’t be defined or quantified. Lucky for you, I’m a Professional Dating Advice Triple MENSA Genius, and I’ve developed a test that gives you a definitive number on where you stand re: your feelings for that SPECIAL SOMEONE.

GOOD LUCK,

Heather A.

 

You’ve cried over your Special Someone (+1 point)

at least three times (+5 points)

you’ve cried at least three times, hung up on the phone at least twice, and broken up at least three times (+10 points)

you’ve also screamed “It’s fucking over, I mean it this time. God as my fucking witness.” (+15 points)

and then you’ve driven over to his house, two hours later. (+30 points)

You’ve torched some of your Special Someone’s possessions (+25 points)

You’ve driven by their house, in secret (+1 point)

It’s no secret! (+ 10 points)

You’ve parked in front of his house, watching his silhouette for at least an hour (+10 points)

for two hours (+15 points)

a few days (+25 points)

NOBODY DIES ALONE – Ask Heather #5 – Full Oedipal

Hi Heather,

So I have this problem. Ok, I have lots of problems. But my biggest one is that I’m a nice guy. I’ve definitely discovered over my 32 years of existence that nice guys do finish last. How many times have I been crushed out or in love with a girl, and she’s interested for a minute, but always ends up leaving me for some guy who acts like a d–k and treats her like s–t? Like all the time. It’s my life story.

So what’s the deal? Am I just into the wrong girls? Are all girls masocistic and crazy? I don’t want to play games, but should I try to act meaner? Or is there hope that some day I’ll meet a girl who likes me for me?

Sincerely,
Kyle K.
[no town specified]
 

Dear Kyle,

First off, I’d like to address some complaints that we’ve received here at the NDA headquarters. Apparently some people don’t think I’m reading their letters thoroughly enough. I would like to remind those people that I am a GURU tripple MENSA professional EXPERT advice columnist which means that sometimes I don’t need to read the ENTIRE letter. Sometimes I can tell EXACTLY what the problem is by the name of the person and where they’re from. (Example: Dwayne from Rabun County, Georgia.)

But Kyle, I read your ENTIRE letter. You say that your BIGGEST PROBLEM is being A NICE GUY. Seriously, Kyle? I don’t think so. The truth is a combination of two things: 1) You aren’t physically attractive and 2) You aren’t interesting.

Read that again, Kyle.

Did that hurt a little? Did it turn you on? Do you want to fuck me right now? If the answer is yes – you like mean girls.

NOBODY DIES ALONE – Ask Heather A #4 – It Buuuurn!

dear heather,

so i did something i wouldn’t normally do and i went home with this guy from a bar the other night. i was really drunk and i slept with him of course. i dont remember it well enough to know if it was even good or not but that’s not the problem. i woke up the next morning and it was awkward and i left without really saying goodbye he was in the bathroom and i just said goodbye though the door. when i got home i realized that all the money from my wallet was gone and i think i had at least 70 or 80 dollars in there. theres a small chance that i spent it or lost it and don’t remember but i dont really think so. what if he stole it? what do i do? i dont really want to see him again or talk to him, and i dont know how i’d get him to admit it anyway. but i just want to know what happened. that kind of money is a lot to me these days. who would do that kind of thing anyway? please help.

mary s

oakland, ca

 

Dear Mary, 

I just read your letter and became outraged. But don’t worry, as a professional MENSA dating advice genius I channeled my rage into PURE STRATEGY. 

Most advice columnists would tell you to track this fucker down and pull ye olde timey favorite: “Hi, I’ll need some money for an abortion, please.” But ye olde abortion trick is so 2014. I’ve got something new for you – you’ll get $750 for this one, which makes up for your time, effort, and emotional investment. But, what’s absolutely priceless? TEACHING THIS FUCKER A LESSON. 

NOBODY DIES ALONE – Ask Heather A #3: Go Rogue or Go Plath

Dear Heather,
I have been all hot and bothered for you since 1994, when we drove up to Seattle to a rave and you did ecstasy in my car.  Now that I’ve kicked my narcotics addiction and divorced my wife, what is keeping us apart?

-Alex S

 

Alex,

What a pleasure to hear from you. Sorry to hear about the divorce. Let’s travel back to fonder times, shall we? November 23, 1996.

I have a different recollection of that night. First off, there were THREE OF US in the car. You. Me. And a girl we’ll call CARLY. More facts: You and Carly took ecstasy. I didn’t. Instead, I took the high road and smoked crystal methamphetamine in the corner of that pulsating Seattle warehouse. WHY DID I DO THAT? Because I was a MENSA GENIUS in the making. And that’s what geniuses do: They GO ROGUE. They smoke meth.

NOBODY DIES ALONE – Ask Heather A #2 – Pomeranian Geriatric Pussy-Hound

Dear Heather A, 

My boyfriend is great. He is kind and sweet and thoughtful. He makes me laugh. I can see myself being with him for a long time. Here’s the problem: He has terrible taste.  I mean, awful, terrible taste. He tries, but… He got me this necklace for Xmas last year, and it was this big, chunky blob. It looked like he literally got me lumps of coal on a string. My girlfriends and I still joke about the “Coal Necklace.” And you should see his apartment. It’s clean and everything, but his couch, his sheets, his towels, it’s all the ugliest stuff you ever saw. What’s worse, it’s not like he’s broke and got it all from a thrift store. He bought it all new and it wasn’t cheap and worst of all, he LIKES it.  

It’s starting to wear on me. I’ve tried little nudges, here and there, trying to get him to see how bad it all is, and maybe start to make some change. But he either doesn’t see it or he gets defensive. We are talking about moving in together soon.  I just know this is going to be an explosive issue. With everything else going right, this could be the thing that breaks us apart. I’m at a loss. Please tell me what to do. 

Carrie
Reno, NV

 

Dear Carrie,

Happy Holidays. I’ll start this off by saying that you have every right to be concerned about your boyfriend’s bad taste.  Bad taste is usually the symptom of a much deeper problem. The beige micro-fiber sofa he bought at Macy’s – could very well be the fiber of his soul. That’s what we call a metaphor, Carrie. In other words: the couch is a beige platitude, years of joyless mechanical sex, Olive Garden dinners, and obligatory family functions. Suicide.